According to stuff I’ve read on the internet, 1% of people in the world are asexual. That means that 1% of the entire population doesn’t think about sex, doesn’t want sex, doesn’t have the desire for sex. That would, essentially, account for 6.5 million Chinese men.

Gotta be higher than that, hasn’t it?

The reason I ask is because Chinese guys just seem totally uninterested in shagging. Not that I go around checking their libido by tickling their balls or anything, it’s just the general impression I’m left with.

I can remember one time, early summer, walking through a downtown area in Shanghai with a male student. We’d just finished class and he was stalking walking with me as I made my way to the nearest bar. It was early evening, just enough heat in the air and girls literally everywhere, mini-skirts on, legs out, click-clacking down the road in their high heels. It was great.

Then out came this first class piece of work, a real contender. She was as near to being a perfect ten as any woman can be.

‘Wow, look at that one’ says me, ever the charmer.

‘What?’ says Chinese male next to me, aged about 25, seemingly in possession of a penis and a pair of nuts.

‘That girl there’ I leered, practically doing an impression of that Warner Bros cartoon wolf, slapping the back of my head with my own foot.

‘Heh, heh’ says the forty-year-old looking virgin in a smug fashion. ‘But there are many girl here’.

‘That one!’ I stage whisper.

I realise that Shanghai’s only living eunuch is standing next to me and totally oblivious to the hottest piece of fanny within a 1000km radius.

‘Her, you bloody idiot!’ I point with my entire face.

Then he said something that made me want to slap him. He asked why.

Why look at her, he asked me. Why is she so interesting he wanted to know.

Oh, I don’t know…. Maybe the fact that she’s got legs that you just wanted to wrap round your neck and head like pythons and hope they crushed you to death. Perky little boobies like the faces of labrador pups, nipples that could have your eye out. A face that would not only launch ships, but cause just as many mutinies. Eyes, lips, fingers, hair, teeth, stomach, arse – everything about her gave me a rush of blood from my head to my knob. And why? Because I’m a bloke, a geezer, a male – and it is my job to behave like this.

Numbnuts was still scratching his head as I left him to go and get his bus back to his mum’s house.

And he is not alone. There are many MANY Chinese blokes like him, totally oblivious to the opposite sex.

I thought it was just laowai guys that talked about this, about Chinese guys having the sex drive of a geriatric Rabbi. But I spoke to a foreign girl that I used to know in Shanghai about this.

First of all I should describe this girl a little.

She was from East Europe. She did come from a country, but I’m fucked if I can remember and it doesn’t matter because East Europe. Plus she had the body of a porn star. She had the most fantastic tits ever. Big, round and proud of themselves. And she loved advertising them.

‘Chinese men are soooooooo asexual’ she said, looking me squarely in the face, me looking squarely at her chest.

She told me of one failed relationship after another with Chinese boyfriends.

‘They do nothing’ she whined. ‘It is not right for a woman to make all the moves’.

I imagined what she might have gone through, storing it in my own mental hard drive for later.

Well, if she couldn’t stir the Chinese beast, who the fuck could?

And just in case you’re thinking that I’m trying to find biased examples, a Chinese scientist pretty much told me the same thing himself.

He was working on some kind of snake oil that can treat prostate cancer. He told me that the reason Chinese men are low risk in terms of prostate cancer is because they don’t jerk off so much.

‘This is why the caucasian and the black have many prostate cancers’ he wisely told me.

I went to point out that it’s actually the opposite – the more you ejaculate, the less chance of prostate trouble, but I was intrigued by his theories.

‘Chinese boys never masturbate’ he told me, tears of the motherland streaming down his cheeks. ‘It is you foreigners who do such things’.

I’ll leave you with this.

How many of you fellow laowai men reading this have been told: ‘Ahhh! You so yellow!’.

We all know what it means, but what, Chinese guys are not yellow? Ever?

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